Covid might have grounded my travels for the time being, but not the memories from some of my awesome travel experiences. Belize. Christmas, 2018. —
Laurel and I lunched at Billy’s Kitchen, Restaurant & Bar (Hookah Lounge & Golf Cart Rental) today. That’s right. It’s all those things and then some! Plus, seemed Billy fancied himself an MC, as he was constantly grabbing his karaoke mic to announce: “Boop! Boop! LA in the house, Jamaica in the house.” Having our own personal hype man was kinda cool at first, but by the ninth time around, it had gotten a little old. And considering that we were the only ones in the restaurant, I was never quite sure to whom exactly he was hyping us up to.
Billy also had this little helper/co-hype man named Ray (think a four foot nine Latin Belizean Flava Flav sans oversized clock), who would scurry out onto the patio every time someone walked by, verbally assaulting them with the day’s specials, in an attempt to lure them in, although we ended up being the only suckers lured the entire hour we were there.
Billy and Belizean Flava Flav…er, Ray…were entertaining, but there was definitely something a little off about both them…and their restaurant. I kept trying to figure out what happened to eight feet of floor just off from our table, where the wood had been replaced with mismatched planks. Maybe that’s where they kept their stash of golf carts and hookah flavorings. And when we mentioned how warm it was, in lieu of AC, they grabbed a fan, situated it a mere foot and a half away, ratcheted it up to Mach 5, and trained it directly on us. Then a stream of motley looking dudes walked in, marched single file down a back hall, and disappeared before quickly reappearing and exiting the establishment. With the—let’s call it “non five star setup,” I was expecting the food to also be less than, but like everything else associated with Billy’s, there were surprises here too. Our lunch–lobster with peas and rice and their version of a green salad, which was actually a Cole slaw–was really good. Dare I say, some of the best we had on Ambergris Caye.
When we got back to the hotel and looked up Billy’s Restaurant, we saw that the place received all of 1 star. Yup. Uno. Un. Ein. You get my drift. There were claims of bait and switch…True! Hype man Ray had lured us in on the promise that $30Bz (about $15USD) would get us, not only the lobster, rice, peas and salad, but also a beer and ice cream, and the sign in front of the place corroborated this. But when the bill came, it wasn’t quite as advertised. “Oh, no. I never say that. Beer and dessert extra!” There were also comments that Billy was creepy. Can’t disagree there. So was Ray. And the word “sketchy” was used more than once to describe the place. Planks and mysterious hallway aside, let’s just say that Laurel and I, both in need of using the bathroom, skipped doing so because we weren’t so sure Billy hadn’t drilled a peephole in there somewhere, a la Norman at the Bates Motel.
Had we consulted Trip Advisor beforehand, there is no way in hell we would have ever stepped foot inside Billy’s—meaning we would have missed out on some tasty food, odd and entertaining characters, and for the first and only time in my life, feeling like a rap star with my own personal hype man.
